How to break the ‘ex habit’

Let’s face it; exes are exes for a reason. Whether they turned out to be rude, unfaithful, or you just couldn’t see the two of you sharing a life together, it’s unlikely you broke up for no reason. But if you have a string of exes who seem to conform to a certain ‘type’, maybe it’s time to break the pattern to achieve relationship happiness.

After all, they say that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. So why should it be any different when it comes to relationships? To help you break this pattern, and never date another version of your ex, here’s a simple exercise to get you started on the path to dating Mr Right.

Part one: The list making bit
Before you do anything, make sure you’ve got some time to spare for yourself. Whether that’s a quiet Saturday morning or after the kids have gone to bed, you’ll need to be in a reflective mood for this exercise. All you’ll need is a pen, paper and your brain!

Firstly, make a list of what attracted you to your ex. Now go through it in detail, working out what your ex did to merit the ‘labels’ you’ve given him. For example, if you said he was ‘caring’ was that because he would often ask how you felt, or did he just give good hugs?

Secondly, make a list of the qualities you didn’t like in your ex. Again, go through it with a fine-toothed comb, working out exactly why you wrote down each entry. Maybe you didn’t like the fact that he was vain because he spent more time in the bathroom than you, or perhaps he was poor with money and over spent on his credit cards. Make sure every entry – in both lists – is fairly earned.

Part two: Pick ‘n’ mix
Look at your ‘good traits’ list; which ones are really important to you? If the list is really long, make sure you whittle it down to about 10 items (at the most), and then you’ll be ready to put your ‘good’ list into action. In reality, you can’t go on a date, whip out your list and ask the poor guy if he has these qualities – he’ll run a mile. What you can do though, is look carefully to see if you can spot the qualities you want. For example, if you’re looking for someone who’s polite does he open the door to the restaurant, or excuse himself when he leaves the table?

Next up, take your list of ‘bad’ traits and work out which ones are true deal breakers for you. We’re not talking about things you might find annoying, we’re talking about traits you can’t stand. Maybe your ex was a smoker, and you found his habit disgusting. Or perhaps he was very arrogant, and that made you feel small. These deal breakers should be easier to spot in a date, but don’t judge too harshly at first. If he seems overly confident, and this sets alarm bells ringing that he might be arrogant, give him a chance as it could just be a cover for nerves.

Then again, don’t be too flexible. Remember that you can never change someone, no matter how hard you try. If you already know you can’t live with those deal breakers, don’t set yourself up for disappointment.

Part three: Look at yourself
A relationship is a two way street, and it’s important that you reflect the qualities you’re looking for (or not looking for!) in a partner. If you expect your other half to be caring and considerate, you should be too. After all, we are drawn to people who reflect our best qualities. Being the best version of you, and looking for Mr Right, rather than Mr Wrong should lead you on the path towards love.